Bella Reborn
by nonymouse123
Summary: Edward is gone and Bella is left to pick up the pieces. But, instead of falling into despair, she gets mad, and decides to become the one thing Edward never wanted, a vampire.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Twilight, I don't own it

A/N: I read this idea on another fan fiction site (many months ago, and I didn't finish reading the story). My story is going to be vastly different from that one (there were actually two, but they were both so similar it was like they were the same). So, I guess this is my other disclaimer!

**Added 12/31: I am working with a new beta/s from Project Team Beta. You can find them thru the Live Journal community. Andrea and Jennifer re beta-ed this one. Sorry for the long wait for chapter 5, but it's coming soon! Thanks!

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**BPOV **

My stomach hurt. It was the first real thing I let myself feel since two nights ago. I realized it was my bladder; it was full, painfully full. I started to stretch out a little and my knees popped loudly. My legs were so stiff I wondered if I would be able to walk on them. Of course if I fell, Edward would catch me before I even had time to feel the cold floor.

But Edward was gone.

He left me.

Blind panic forced its way into my chest and I started to hyperventilate. The sobs that came out of my mouth were loud and foreign; I wondered if it were really me that was crying. It could be a movie, or a neighbor. Of course, no neighbors lived close enough to hear crying. I always liked that we didn't have close neighbors. No one to spy on Edward and me. My breathing started to escalate as I dry heaved for what seemed an eternity. Flashes of his smile, his perfect jaw, played in my mind. I easily remembered the feel of his cold fingers that caused a different kind of chill to course through my body when he touched me.

I realized I was losing my mind.

"Bells, are you ok? Daddy is here, honey. Daddy is here and everything is going to be just fine, sweetie." My dad looked at me with real fear in his eyes as he stroked my chaotic hair. I have never seen him like this. Is this the way he looked when mom left him? The creases in his forehead looked much deeper than before. He looked older to me. It seemed as though I aged him with each of my sobs. I felt as if I have aged fifty years overnight. My heart ached with a never ending pain, and my stomach clenched again, but not from another bout of dry heaves.

Oh, that's right; I realized that I still needed to use the bathroom. My bladder ached painfully, as if to prove the point even further. It was funny, in the midst of my emotional breakdown, I was having a totally lucid thought while my body continued to sob of its own accord.

I can't go on like this much longer. My heart will literally fucking explode from despair.

_Did I just curse to myself?_

"I'm fine, Charlie," I managed to choke out between the horrific cries that would not end. "I need to use the bathroom."

"Let me help you up, honey." Charlie was utterly lost. I'm sure hysterical teens were not his forte. He grabbed my elbows and pulled me into a sitting position. That's funny, I thought I was sitting. My brain was only functioning on half of a tank. I started to stand up and my vision swam; I started to collapse under the weight of my new future, just realized.

"Oh, okay, Bells, I gotcha. Don't worry, Ol' daddy here will make sure you get to the bathroom just fine. I love you Bella. Everything is going to be fine." The creases grew deeper as I looked into his eyes. He had aged another five years in the span of five minutes. I took a deep, chest shuddering breath and clamped my hands around my father's arm. The strange crying bout was over for the moment and I nodded my head at Charlie, indicating I was ready to move.

I shuffled to the bathroom, Charlie dutifully at my side, and attempted to put a name to my new reality.

Gone.

It was the only thing I could think as I sat on the pot releasing my full bladder. He left me. He was gone. My whole life, my everything, was now gone. My knees were wet, and I touched them. Did I pee on myself? How did my knees get wet? My foggy mind couldn't quite figure out what was going on. As I pondered the wetness, a tear fell, and added itself to the growing dark spot.

I was crying again. Without my knowledge or permission, my eyes overflowed like a broken dam. I brought my hands up to my face and the wracking sobs began, again, to tear my body apart.

I pulled my comforter up to my chin. I wanted to crawl under and hide for all of eternity. Eternity. What a joke.

How did I get back into bed? Time was a never ending litany of broken thoughts that my mind can't, or won't, comprehend. I wondered, absently, if I at least wiped and flushed. I hoped with everything I had that my father didn't wipe me. Ugh.

Time passed. Another day without him. Another day filled with unbearable pain. Unbearable loneliness. Memories of our life filled my head. Tears fell, sobs came, and darkness fell.

I awoke to my mom stroking my forehead. It felt so good to have her cool hand caressing me. I missed her so much. "Bella, honey, it's Mommy. Can you hear me? Are you awake?" Her voice was full of love and compassion.

I opened my eyes and blinked several times to prove that, yes, I could hear her and I was awake. She smiled a beautiful smile and kissed my cheek, my forehead and my hair. "Mom," I cringed at the sound of my voice, gravelly and rough from lack of use. "When did you get here?" I asked.

"Yesterday. You don't remember?" Her brow furrowed as my stomach began to ache again. Time had little meaning to me; hours passed as mere minutes, and days became hours.

"No," I whispered, feeling the tears gather and slide down my cheeks.

"Honey" she paused, looking at me with eyes full of pain and suffering, "Your dad called me right away, after…." she trailed off, shaking her head sadly. "He's been so worried about you. You won't leave your bed; I came as quickly as I could. You should come home with me, Bella. You should leave this dreadful place…it only holds bad memories for you now. Please?" Her pleading ripped into my already shredded heart.

A memory started to creep back into my consciousness. I was tearing clothes out of my mom's hands. She was attempting to pack a suitcase for me. She was repeating over and over that everything would be fine, I would get better, I could do better than him. Then, my world went red and I screamed at her and dad.

How dare she take away my pain. How dare she try to make me leave my home. I had acted like an ass.

"Oh, mom. I'm so sorry." A deep sob escaped from my chest as my mom stroked my hair, cooing softly, trying, and failing, to soothe my ragged nerves.

"Honey, it's fine. I love you and if you want to stay here, I'll support you. I think you need to see someone, though, to help you get through this…spot you're in."

"Like a shrink?" Renee winced at my high pitched answer. I didn't need a shrink, I needed Edward. More tears and sobs racked my body, shaking me to my core. Why did he leave me? Why didn't he love me anymore? I sunk into the comfort of my bed, pulling the blankets up to protect my sore eyes from the bright light that streamed through the window. I could vaguely smell him on my sheets, and I gulped it in, desperately seeking every last molecule of his essence.

"It's okay, honey, you don't have to…I just thought maybe you would want to talk to someone who could help you. You just seem so lost, and sad. I'm sorry, I won't ever bring it up again, I promise. Okay?" She nodded her head, and I know she thought I was losing my grip on reality. It's the same nod she used to give Gran after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

I wasn't crazy.

I was heartbroken.

I was soul-broken.

I let my eyelids close, and welcomed blissful sleep once again.

_Don't leave me, please!!" I scream at him as my heart rips apart. Edward laughs at me, a sneer on his beautiful face. I reach out to touch his hand, but he leaps up into a tree. "You're not worthy of my love, Bella. I no longer wish to be burdened by you. Your clumsy, slow human ways are no longer my concern. Find another silly human with whom to share your boring life. I am done with you." Edward laughs, loudly and with glee as he jumps out of the tree and bows deeply. "Dear Bella, I leave you in peace." And he is gone in an instant. I stand there, stupidly, staring at the place he just stood. Maniacal laughter can be heard floating through the forest as the tears start to stream down my cheeks. I frantically search for Edward. It is dark, but I must find him; I must explain to him how sorry I am about cutting myself, about being clumsy and slow. I look for his footprints in the dirt floor, but it is suddenly covered in snow. I start shivering and realize I have no clothes on. I suck in a deep breath as I start to run back to the house. Charlie is standing there, hands on his hips, shaking his head at me. "Bella, you know better than to go out into the forest without any clothes on. Edward is not your protector anymore, he doesn't want you, you are all alone." I fall down on my knees, and lay my forehead on the cold, wet ground. I don't deserve Edward or his love, and even Charlie knows this. I start to shake uncontrollably. I start digging, attempting to cover myself in dirt so that I am no longer cold. I uncover a thick metal shield, in the shape of a diamond. I start to dig further out to uncover the whole thing. It is very big and when I touch it I realize it's soft, like a sponge. I pick it up and it sparkles in the moonlight. I look around, but Charlie is gone, the forest is gone, and I am alone. _

My own screams woke me. My mom ran into my room. Her eyes were wild and filled with fear. "Bella! Bella! Are you okay? What's wrong? What happened?" She wound her arms around me as I started to cry, again.

Charlie was right behind her, gun in hand, and looked quickly around the room. "What's going on here? What's happening? Is someone trying to break in?" Charlie stalked to the window, looking out with narrowed eyes.

"I had a bad dream," I managed to choke out. The images were already starting to fade. The ugly sneer, the cold snow, the sparkly shield. None of it made any sense, and yet, something was starting to work in the back of my mind. I didn't want to think, I just wanted to sleep. "Mom, I'm sorry I scared you."

I let my eyes slide shut again. Another day. Another night. Another nightmare and accompanying scream. This time, after my parents left, I lay awake in my bed, contemplating the ceiling. I missed him so much. I didn't think I could face my future alone, without him. I still didn't understand what had happened. Jasper lost control, but he hadn't hurt me, and his expression was one of pure remorse. Edward was so distant afterwards; it was like he had already left me. I wonder if he had planned this from the beginning, as a way to leave me…an easy excuse. I pushed it away, not wanting to face the logic of my thoughts.

What was I going to do without my love? Half of me was gone, missing, lost. The terrible sneer on nightmare Edward's' face was so ugly, so hurtful. He didn't love me anymore, if ever at all. That one thought hurt the most of all. I had given him everything in me, and he crumpled it up and threw it away like a piece of trash. That is what my heart was to him, I suppose, a piece of trash.

I didn't want to think about him anymore. I closed my eyes, yet again, and waited for sleep to come while silent tears fell down my cheeks.

Eighteen hours later, I stumbled out of bed into the dark of night, to empty my bladder. I vaguely remember drinking some water a few days ago, but I couldn't be certain when. A terribly painful knot formed in my stomach, and seemed to have staked a claim. I held my middle, like a little old lady trying to keep her behemoth of a purse close to her so some young "whipper-snapper" won't try and steal it. I walked slowly and with trepidation towards the toilet. My legs ached from lack of use, and my back hurt all over as I tried to straighten up, sending bolts of pain up and down my spine. My arms were tingling and I shook them around to get my blood flowing.

I flipped on the light in the bathroom, and the flash of blinding white light hurt my head in a very surreal way. When was the last time I was in the light? I can't seem to remember.

After what seems like an eternity on the commode, I stand and shuffle over to the sink, intent on cleaning the fuzzy layer of bacteria off of my teeth. As I glance at the mirror, I gasp. My eyes were sunken and dark circles surrounded them; my hair was a tangled nightmare. I momentarily considered shaving my head; that would show him, he always loved my hair. I missed how he would stroke it while I fell asleep in his cold arms. I closed my eyes as the memory unleashed a torrent of tears.

I clutched the sink and waited for my quiet sobbing to stop, and after awhile, it did. I wiped my face and brushed my teeth thoroughly without looking at the mirror again. "Get a hold of yourself, Bella," I whispered to the sink, "He is gone, and you have to make yourself function. You can't hide in your room for the rest of your miserable existence." The sink offered no response. I sucked in a deep, ragged breath and shuffled back to my bedroom.

Sleep did not come this night.

I tossed and turned and tangled my hair and my legs in my sheets. I cursed the night, the stars and the sky for existing. Why did the night have to be so long, so heartbreakingly silent? I missed my lullaby. I missed his sweet breath, his delicious scent, his touch.

At four thirty in the morning, I decided to make breakfast for Charlie. I needed to walk, to breathe, to eat. The thought of eating was actually quite nauseating to me, but I couldn't exactly remember the last time I did eat.

I didn't even know what day it was.

I walked quietly down the stairs and into the kitchen. The calendar said it was Wednesday. I blinked my eyes several times. I was numb as realization hit. I had been in bed for a week and a half. His face started to form, the words echoing in my ears, and I clutched the counter fiercely. I inhaled deeply and forced the thought of him out of my mind.

That son of a bitch left me. He told me he loved me, he held me night after night, he promised to keep me safe.

He left me alone.

A new emotion was taking over, suddenly and completely. I was angry. Damn angry. What right did he have to decide my future for me? What gave him the fucking right to take away my extended family? Who the fuck did he think he was? Why the fuck was I saying fuck so much?

I decided I liked it.

I laughed in spite of myself, because I wasn't a curser. Mom didn't think it very lady-like, and she rarely cussed; Charlie, being the Chief and all, didn't think it good for the public image, so his cursing was kept to a minimum as well.

Things were going to change, starting now. Anger would be a useful new tool for me. I was always the soft one, the compliant one. My youth had been wasted on Renee, taking care of her, watching over her, listening to her silly dreams for the future. I was not unlike _him_ when it came to taking care of my mom. _He_ was the one to take care of me, to save me so many times, in more than just physical ways. I was changed, completely, because of what we shared. I would have to take care of myself from now on. I would be the one to decide my future, not _him_.

My future as a vampire.

A shiver ran down my spine as my eyes grew wide. Somehow, someway, I would get what I wanted. Without _his_ help. Fuck him. If I wanted to be a vampire, I would. I had been planning on it, without even realizing it, from the moment I fell in love with him. A realization was dawning on me. The future was wide open without his judgment. He didn't want to take away my soul even though it was mine to give. He would just love that, wouldn't he? His precious, fragile Bella, hard as a rock and immortal. His eyes would pop out of their sockets. His mouth would hang open. He would be furious with me because I would have to put myself in danger to do it.

I started laughing.

"Bella? Are you okay?" Charlie was looking at me open mouthed while I laughed and nodded my head, indicating I was, in fact, all right. He crossed over to me and hugged me tight, and it felt good.

"Thanks, dad. I'm fine. Better than fine, actually. I think I just had an epiphany."

"Huh? An epiphany? At five in the morning?" He said, cocking an eyebrow at me.

"Yeah. I just realized something, and I found it quite funny. I don't have to wait for him anymore. I can still have what I want, I can still be what I want, and I won't let his absence stop me." I was already forming a plan, weaving it quickly and seamlessly out of the fabric of my mind.

I would get what I want. He could go fuck himself.

I snorted again, and Charlie shook his head, and gave me another hug. "It's good to have you back, Bells. Real good. A taxi will be bringing your mom here in a couple of hours. She has to catch a plane back to Phoenix today. She's going to be real happy to see you're feeling better." He let go of me and started to turn towards the fridge. Charlie didn't need any more explanation.

"Mom is going back to Phoenix already?" I wasted an entire visit lying in bed, wallowing in self-pity. I shook my head, quietly berating myself for being so stupid and selfish. If only I had had my epiphany sooner, mom and I could've spent some quality time together.

"Oh, yeah, uh, something about her husband's new job. I didn't ask too many questions. She seems to be happy with her new life. Real happy." He smiled and nodded. I loved my dad very much. I would miss him terribly.

That one thought stopped me cold. How could I say goodbye to him? How could I say goodbye to Renee? I could feel the tears starting to well up again. I was so tired of crying. I would worry about details later, for now, I would take care of my dad the best way I knew how; I would feed him.

"Hey, Dad, can I fix you some pancakes for breakfast?" They actually sounded good, strangely enough, and my mouth watered at the thought of warm syrup and melted butter. My stomach growled loudly. The nausea from earlier was completely gone. My epiphany had scared it away. I snorted again, and bit my lip to keep myself from laughing at the picture of a large light bulb chasing a green sickly stomach down the road.

I might be losing my mind after all.

"Sure," he said quizzically. "You sure you're up to it and all?" He nodded his head the same way my mom had nodded hers at me a few days ago. No, "Crazy Bella" was gone; she was replaced with "Angry Bella", and "Angry Bella" wanted pancakes with chocolate chips in them.

"I've never felt better, Dad. Now, go take a shower while I whip up some grub." I smiled and actually felt better. I grabbed eggs and milk out of the fridge and flour and sugar from the cabinet. While stirring the batter together, I considered my options. My plan was almost set; it was just a matter of time before I could put it into action.

I could be patient.

After breakfast, I took a hot shower, letting the water wash me clean of my sorrows once and for all. I would cry no more tears for him. He had broken my heart and I would not waste another sob on him. I had too many things to take care of before I left. I smiled as I got out of the shower, but my smile faltered after I looked at my hair. Amy Winehouse had nothing on me and my self-imposed beehive

Thirty minutes later, my hair was combed and I was dressed in clean jeans and a t-shirt. I bounded down the stairs and started cleaning the kitchen, whistling as I washed the few dishes from breakfast.

My mom was ecstatic when I answered the door. "Bella!!!" She squealed and hugged me tightly. We chatted while I made her some fresh pancakes and coffee. "I was so worried you wouldn't be better before I had to leave. Phil has been traded again, and we have to pack." She babbled on about Phil's new team and how she was so happy for him. I dutifully nodded my head, adding in the appropriate "Oh's" and "Uh-huh's" when needed.

I was going to miss her too.

"Are you sure you are okay, honey? You really scared me, you know. I mean, the fit you threw when I tried to pack your clothes for you!"

"I'm so sorry mom. I'm sorry for what I put you and dad through."

"Everything is going to be just fine now," she said as she patted my hand. "Don't worry honey, it's all over now. You're better, and you can get back to your life and forget all about Ed-"

I shot a warning glance at her. _Don't say his fucking name to me, ever_.

She nodded her head in understanding.

My father cleared his throat noisily. "Well, it's almost time to leave. Bells, you going to school today?" Charlie was standing at the edge of the kitchen, looking slightly uncomfortable around my mother. He was still in love with her after all these years, preferring to live with memories of his old life, a life my mother had forgotten.

I would not live my life in the shadow of _his_ memory.

I would have a new life.

"Uh, yeah dad, I mean, I do want to go to college someday, y' know?"_ Maybe, if I felt like it later._

"Great! You ready, Renee?" Charlie looked quickly at his watch. "We better get a move on, unless you want to catch a later flight?"

"Oh, no, I'm ready. I think." Renee was on the verge of tears as she turned towards me and gave me a tight hug. I hugged her back, soaking in all the love and hope and happiness she was giving to me with her embrace.

I was really going to miss her.

I kissed them both goodbye, and watched my dad open the cruiser's door for my mother. He was taking her to the airport before he went to work. I went upstairs and got my backpack, ready to start my new life without _him_.

Chapter notes:

Dreams: snow represents feeling alone or neglected. Digging in the snow and finding something represents exploring and accessing an ability you didn't know you had. Nakedness in dreams reflects your vulnerability. Bella is naked because she wants to be something that she no longer is, a vampire's girlfriend, and she feels vulnerable without Edward and his protectiveness. Charlie, as the father figure, is shaking his head, confirming her fear of not being good enough for Edward. Finding the shield? Well, we all know what that means!


	2. Chapter 2

Twilight ain't mine

A/N: 1/7/10 Another re-beta-ed chapter…thanks to Project Team Beta's Heather…your rawk! My tenses are finally correct on this chp and the flow is better. Skip if you have already read this…and please review if you are new…let me know you like it!

(This is taking longer than I thought and I apologize to my subscribers for the delay in posting Chapter 5…I know I left ya seriously hanging!)

EPOV

I left her.

I did not think I could do it, go through with it.

I do not know how I can live without her.

I do not think I can.

It has been three days, eleven hours, and twenty three minutes since I left her. Every minute was like another knife in my dead heart. The complete and total devastation on her face was pure torture, and I saw her expression every time I closed my eyes.

I had lied countless times during my life, it was part of being a vampire, but never have I told a lie more untrue than the one I had told to Bella. A lie so loathsome, so horrific, it was hard to even get the words out of my mouth.

How could she believe me?

How could she not see through me?

Why did she believe the lie?

My life was over.

I had allowed myself to feel, to believe, and to love. Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without, and know we cannot live within. Bella saved me from my self-imposed isolation; she had introduced me to living, and now all I wanted to do was die. Black pain filled my stone body. I saw nothing but her. Her face, her hair, her smile. I missed her smell and the accompanying burn. I reached out to open the bag I brought with me. Bella's blue blouse was crumpled up inside. I had stolen it, at the last minute, as a sort of talisman, hoping it would keep me away from her long enough to let her forget me. I opened the Ziploc, brought it up to my nose, and took a deep breath of her painfully sweet scent. I started sobbing tearlessly, crying out into the night, wishing for death. There were so many little dyings it didn't matter which of them was death, so long as it came. Everyday I died a little more, but true death alluded me, mocked me with a peace I would never had.

I curled into a ball and rocked back and forth on the floor. My phone was ringing, again. I looked at the display and found it was Alice. I shut off the ringer. My family could not console me. I didn't want to see them, or hear from them. After I decided to leave, they had argued with me, all of them, except Rosalie.

"We are leaving. The family will leave first, and I will join you in a few days after I talk with Bella." My voice wavered imperceptibly as I spoke to them. I took a deep, unnecessary breath, and pinched the bridge of my nose to stave off the black hole of sorrow that was threatening to engulf me.

"Edward, I've looked and seen things; you won't be able to live without her. All I can see is pain and sadness in both of your futures. Her future isn't up to you alone; I can still see her becoming one of us. Why are you putting us through this?" Alice was crying tearlessly on the couch while Jasper held her tightly, pain and sadness evident in his dark eyes. His thoughts were a jumbled tangle of sorrow and yearning. Jasper's remorse and Alice's pleas were almost too much to bear. I was having a horrible time coming to terms with my decision and I needed my family's support, not their opinions.

"It's not just affecting you, Edward; we all love Bella." Esme's thoughts were filled with sorrow, remembering my many years of solitude. A memory played in her mind of the day my father brought Rose home for me. I had scoffed at the offering, wondering at his judgment. Esme's heart broke for her new daughter the day she woke from transformation. Rosalie had desired me, her tangled newborn thoughts wandered to my physical accoutrements in between bouts of blood lust her first years, but I had wanted nothing to do with her spoiled, self-serving ways.

"You are taking her away from all of us too." My mother, who had been sitting at the dining table, walked over to where Carlisle was standing in the living room, and wrapped her arms around him. Her thoughts were filled with pictures of me smiling at Bella, of us holding hands, and of our tender touches. I turned my back to her, clenching my fists, and blocked out the moving scenes unfolding in her mind.

Carlisle's thoughts were much the same. _Edward, you can't live without her. How long can you truly stay apart from her? She is your soul mate; she needs you as much as you need her. You should stay and we can go. Son, think about what you are asking of yourself. You have been without love for so long; do you think you can let it go so easily now that you have experienced it? The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for blood. She changed you, Edward, and you cannot change back. She will be your only love for as long as you exist. I love you and I wish you would reconsider all your options. _

My father's words only solidified my decision. Bella would be able to move on without me, it was something humans could do, as they didn't often mate for life. I would always love her, but if there was a chance she could live a normal life, then I wanted to give her that chance…the chance I never had.

"Enough," I seethed. Rosalie and Emmett quickly turned towards us, unaware of mine and Carlisle's exchange. Rosalie's thoughts were smug and uncomprehending. She pictured a damaged Emmett, and the love and caring was overwhelming; she understood my devotion, but knew ours was not a life she would have ever chosen, and didn't want Bella to be a part of it. She didn't want to condemn another to an eternal existence. Emmett shook his head, looking to Rosalie for his opinion, not wanting to engage her wrath. She rolled her eyes, and tapped her foot, waiting for me to finish.

"I will not stay behind. We all leave; it's the only way to keep her safe from us." I shot a pointed look at Jasper, who dissapeared out the front door, unable to handle my emotional turmoil, along with everyone else's, any longer. "And we will not interfere with her anymore. Alice, you are not to look for her; am I understood?" The venom in my voice was unmistakable. I was tired and consumed with grief over what was about to take place. Alice hung her head low; a picture of her and Bella embracing was her last thought as she went off to find Jasper, who had fled to the forest.

I had no hate for him now, only remorse for what he had done…for what I had done… for allowing her to fall in love with me. It was an atrocity I should have never entertained. I berated myself time and again, and yet, part of me was still glad it had happened. I had experienced love, all consuming love, and I had changed for the better. And then I was experiencing an all consuming sadness. A depression so deep, I wasn't sure if there was any hope of rescue. I clutched my chest, hoping to close the hole that had formed the instant I walked away from her.

All I wanted to do was live in my memories of her. She was the happiest part of my life, and I had left her. I had crushed her. The pain on her face would be an image I would never forget. I would see it everyday for the rest of my miserable existence.

Day, night, day, night. A week passed in this fashion. I had no will to move. No will to do anything but wallow in sorrow, listening to the spiders and rats as they went about their business, giving me a wide berth. I clutched Bella's blouse to my chest, keeping it safely in its bag. I only allowed myself to take in her scent once a day. Even at that, the smell was already fading, just as I hoped that her memories of me were fading. I was lying to myself, of course. I wanted her to forget me, and yet a small part of me hoped she never would.

Eventually, hunger consumed me. I could have gone longer, hugging the corner, keeping myself from experiencing life without her, but the rats were starting to smell sweet to me, and there were not enough of them.

I ventured out into the dark of night. Twinkling stars mocked me with their luminosity.

_O wild and wondrous midnight,  
There is a might in thee  
To make the charmed body  
Almost like spirit be,  
And give it some faint glimpses  
Of immortality. _

I had glimpsed my immortality, and had decided its end. I would end my life when Bella's came to its natural end. I would not exist in a world without her.

I silently walked out into the pasture adjacent to the abandoned barn I had been holed up in. I allowed the scent of a small herd of cattle sleeping in the pale moonlight to draw me in. The family who owned the farm lay blissfully asleep in their warm, comfortable beds. I loathed them. They were happy, and human. The father and mother, Dan and Debbie, were deeply in love, even after sixteen years of marriage. Their four children loved them and helped them run the family farm. They raised free-range beef and grew some organic vegetables for the local restaurants. Southern California seemed to be infested with this type of farm. The family, would no doubt, realize one of their prize cattle were missing, and would lament the loss of income. They would be pleased, however, with the envelope I would leave them in their mailbox, filled with cash. The cow would soon be forgotten.

I did this only to please Carlisle. Maybe I would call him. After a week of no contact with him, I was overcome with the need to speak with my father, my maker. I grabbed my phone, ready to dial, when it rang.

It was Carlisle. Alice had told him to call me.

"I'll call you later," I said flatly.

"I'll be waiting," he said and hung up.

Just like the Pharaoh Rameses, my heart was again hardened. I didn't need my family now. I needed my love back, my very life. I would call Carlisle later, if I felt like it. All I wanted to do was feed and wallow in my sorrow. It was all I could allow myself to do after my atrocious treatment of Bella; every last second we spent together re-played again and again in my mind's eye.

Time would not dull my longing or my devotion to her. I closed my eyes as a deep shudder raced through my body. I deserved every moment of utter agony. I would never forgive myself the pain I caused her.

The sounds of cattle moving about brought me back to the task at hand. They smelled absolutely awful, but my hunger was such that smell wasn't a priority. I leapt onto the closest male and found the hot blood of his neck instantly. The thick, warm liquid gushed down my throat and filled my stomach with a slightly sweet taste. I quickly exsanguinated the bull before he had a chance to finish his next breath. I dragged his lifeless body to the farthest part of the family's land and quickly dug a deep hole to bury him in. I didn't want any evidence left behind. I always cleaned up my messes, unlike Jasper who lunged at innocent humans and….

_Stop_. Jasper was certainly not the cause of this whole fiasco. I was. If I had been stronger, I would have left Bella alone, and she would have never fallen in love with me. I could have watched her--loved her-- from afar.

I still can.

No, NO, NO, NO!!

I can't ever see Bella again.

I would drive myself insane watching her live her life, move on, and find another man to love, a human man. She would kiss him, make love to him, know true happiness as she married and had his children.

I heard the snap of the tree before I actually felt the trunk in my hand. Shit. The twenty-foot tree laid in two pieces at my feet; the roots stuck out oddly and made strange shadows on the pasture land. I pinched the bridge of my nose as I contemplated this new mess to clean up. I broke the tree into many smaller pieces, fit for a fireplace, and ran them back to the farmhouse. It took less than one minute. I deposited the firewood by the far side of the barn, where it would likely remain undiscovered for several months.

I wasn't sure why I cared about hiding any evidence of my visit.

I wasn't sure of anything anymore.

I retrieved Bella's blouse, and left some cash in the mailbox, before I ran to where I hid my Volvo. I drove for thirty hours and ended up in a tiny rural village near the Panama Canal. I found a small grove of trees and parked. The sun was out, shining bright and hot. I rolled down the windows, pulled my knees up to my chin, and waited for the sun to make its descent towards the horizon.

I closed my eyes and saw Bella asleep in her bed the night before I left. I stole silently into her room, and sat on the floor, right beside her, and looked at her beautiful face. I watched her as she lay deep in sleep, mumbling about scrapbooks and pictures. Her brow had begun to furrow as she started to speak more clearly.

"What's wrong?" Her sweet breath washed over my face, bathing me in her essence. I inhaled every last molecule of Bella scented air; I welcomed the fire as it raced down my throat. "Why aren't you talking to me?" She rolled over and flopped her arm across her face. This frustrated me as I could not gaze upon her countenance. I reached out to pull her arm away, but stopped short.

I couldn't touch her.

She didn't belong to me anymore.

"So sad," she breathed. She rolled over towards me, removing the obstruction of her arm in the process. Her brow had furrowed deeper and I longed to smooth out the crease, to soothe her distress. It would be so much worse the next day, for both of us.

The wrenching pain incapacitated me as I sat stock still and let the waves of misery and regret wash over me. I had to do this; I had to leave Bella, my love, my very life. She could not be subjected to fear and worry for the rest of her life. There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you. Our story wouldn't be told, and I would bear the burden alone. She deserved so much more than I could ever give her.

Bella's warmth radiated out from her and I relished it. She took in another breath and succumbed to a deep, peaceful sleep. Her brow relaxed, and the furrow disappeared without my help. I shook my head, realizing all the many mundane doings of her life I would no longer be a part of. I lowered my face to my hands for a moment, and sighed.

"Edward," she said, and I snapped my head up, fearing she had woken, hoping and dreading at the same time. When my eyes found hers, they were closed. A single tear slid from the inside corner of her eye and wound a path down her nose. The faint light of her alarm clock reflected in the tiny orb of water. I desperately wanted to taste her tear, knowing all too well the temptation it held for me, but unable to stop myself from doing so.

The memory was so sharp and vivid, I reached out to touch the tear, and hit the dashboard instead. I was instantly back in my car, in the stifling heat of the late afternoon sun. Bella was gone. I ran my fingers through my hair and scrubbed my face with my hands. Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair.

Several hours passed as I watched the sun inch its way towards the horizon, washing the land with vibrant orange-yellow hues, the rays touching my bare arms. A myriad of rainbows refracted off my skin and onto the windshield. The sight of my unnatural skin further deepened my sadness. I had never wanted to be human as badly as I did at that moment.

It was too much for me to take. I wouldn't be able to stay away for long, that much I knew. The tugging I felt was so strong, so real, I could almost envision a rope around my chest pulling at me, beckoning me back to my Bella.

The sun finally slipped under the horizon, and night enveloped the grove. I needed a distraction, something to keep my mind off of Bella. I thought of tracking Victoria. She, no doubt, would seek revenge for the loss of her mate. My anger was no match for hers. James had bitten Bella, had tried to kill her, and had started the transformation in her. His death had been necessary, and quite satisfying, even though I didn't get to participate.

Victoria. She would be my focus. I would not stop until she was dead. I started my Volvo and looked for a gasoline station.

Notes:

Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within. James A. Baldwin

There are so many little dyings that it doesn't matter which one of them is death. Kenneth Patchen

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you. Maya Angelou

Absence from whom we love is worse than death, and frustrates hope severer than despair. William Cowper

The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread. ~Mother Teresa (exchanged blood for bread)

O wild and wondrous midnight,  
There is a might in thee  
To make the charmed body  
Almost like spirit be,  
And give it some faint glimpses  
Of immortality. James Russell Lowell, _Midnight_


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Twilight ain't mine…but you already knew that

A/N: another re-beta'ed chapter.

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BPOV

I woke up my second morning without Edward to a beautiful, sunny day. I breathed in deep and reveled in the warmth of the early morning sun. His skin was so beautiful in the sun, and I wanted that same beauty.

The thought made me giddy with anticipation.

I could be a vampire too.

I jumped out of bed and quickly dressed. School was going to be somewhat better. Jessica had gotten all of her never ending questions out, hardly breathing between my answers and her next question, constantly bobbing her head and chomping on her gum.

"Ok, so what happened? Why were you in the forest? I mean, gosh Bella, there are like wild animals out there. What if one of them was hungry or something? Weren't you scared?" Jess stopped to take a breath, so I answered what I could.

"He broke up with me on the path right outside of my house. He left and I didn't feel like going home. So I wandered around, crying a lot, and got lost. It was dark so I lay down on the ground and fell asleep." I had started taking slow, deep breaths to keep from falling apart. "I was unconscious, and so I guess I wasn't really worried about the animals at that point. The forest floor is actually quite comfortable." I shrugged my shoulders a little, and hoped she believed me. How could I explain to her the crushing cold, the never ending pain, the horrible loneliness of being in the forest and searching for someone you would never be able to find?

"I thought he was like totally in love with you. I mean, he didn't give anyone else a second glance in this place; you were his total focus. I mean he couldn't keep his eyes off of you, Bella. It's like he owned you or something." Jessica started rambling on about an article in a teen magazine about possessive boyfriends and how that could lead to violence of some sort.

"He was in love with me, but not anymore." I felt the edges of an invisible chest wound throb, but, thankfully, I wasn't crying. Not yet.

"Do you still love him?" Jessica stopped her yammering and asked me the one question I didn't want to answer. How did you stop loving someone who was a part of your very soul? Of course I still loved him. I was utterly devoted to him, even in my anger and sadness. I didn't know what to feel or think anymore. All I knew was I wanted to become a vampire. It was all I thought about during our summer together; well…not the only thing I thought about. Closed mouth kisses and soft touches were all he was willing to give me even though he knew what I really wanted. I smiled to myself before looking at Jessica, and realized she was still waiting for an answer.

"Yes. I still love him." One lone tear slid down my cheek before anger took over. "But, he's an asshole and I don't want to waste another tear on him," I said firmly, and I almost believed it myself. Answering Jessica's questions was both easier, and harder, than I thought it would be. Anger made me stronger and weaker. Jessica continued to prattle on about another article she read about boyfriends, and how to get them. Something about 'flirting without flirting'; whatever that meant, I wasn't sure. I didn't pay close enough attention; instead I focused on keeping my emotions in check in front of her.

Being alone in the woods, crying my eyes out in the dark, feeling my heart tear into pieces was an all time low; and then it got worse. The week that followed, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do without him; he was my everything. I knew I should eat and breathe and bathe, but beyond that, the days held no interest for me. It was strange, almost like an out of body experience. I didn't have a hold on reality; I couldn't remember my world without him in it.

But now? Even though I was a shell of my former self, I no longer worried about what the future held for me. Would_ he_ change me? Would I have to get Carlisle to do it? Would _he_ be mad? Would _he_ still want me?

So much worry for nothing. I didn't need him anymore to become a vampire. He obviously didn't want me; that much was apparent from our last few days together. The look on his face when he said to be careful before he disappeared had left me breathless. The love he had for me was clearly there, painted brightly and obviously. Why, then, did he say he didn't want me? Maybe they were the remnants of a love he _thought_ he had for me.

Who's to say? I was tired of thinking about it. We would have our conversation one day, and all our cards would be laid out on the table. I would let _him_ know just how much he crushed me, and then I would live the rest of immortality on my own terms.

I couldn't wait to show _him_ just how much he had changed me without one drop of venom. The school day was passing by in a blur as I daydreamed about Italy. Later that day Jessica started bugging me about weekend plans during gym.

"Why don't we go to LaPush or something? We could ask around and have a truckload of seniors ready to go in no time. Please???" Her pleading eyes reminded me of _him_ and his last request. Those beautiful depthless eyes held so much intensity, and yet so much hate. Was hate the right word, though? _He_ didn't hate me, per say, _he_ said _he_ didn't love me anymore, didn't want me. The memory pierced my heart with a fresh wound, and I clutched my stomach, trying to hold it together in front of my friend.

"Jess, I really don't feel like going to the beach. I have a lot of homework to catch up on from being out for almost two weeks. Maybe next time, okay?" _With any luck, there wouldn't be a next time. _I smiled as Jessica's wide eyes narrowed slightly. She saw my reaction, but didn't push me, for once, to spill any details. Getting over _him_ would be nearly impossible; _he_ was a part of me, a part that I wasn't ready to let go of. I wasn't even sure I could let go of him. _His_ memories tormented me nightly; _he_ left his mark without ever physically harming me. I mentally promised myself to devote the evening to researching ticket prices and times.

After school was out, I drove home and rolled down the windows and enjoyed the cool air. I felt my head clear and my mood lighten and I decided to make spaghetti with meat sauce. I made quick work of the canned tomatoes, onions, peppers and mushrooms, and soon the entire house smelled like an Italian restaurant. I took a deep breath of the sweet aroma; it smelled almost as good as that one in Port Angeles when Ed-

I shook my head free from the memory that threatened to engulf me. I took another deep breath to keep a torrent of tears at bay. And then I took three more. I felt the hole in my chest burn and ache. I blinked several times, and hugged myself tightly as I leaned against the counter. The Port Angeles memory hurt. The memories came easily, and the pain was brutal; worse than I thought possible. I let _him_ have a lot of control in our relationship and knew that _he_ couldn't be allowed that kind of power over me again. It was the second time that day _he_ had affected me this way.

Asshole.

I needed something to help me relax. Charlie kept a bottle of whiskey in the bottom cabinet for the rare occasion that he had a mixed drink; he preferred beer instead. I was an adult, and a shot was just what I needed. Legally not old enough to drink, and not really caring, I reached for the bottle. I had experienced all consuming love and all consuming pain; I deserved a reprieve from my sadness. My justification for drinking was self-serving, but the memory of that night, and of his pleading eyes, had come on too fast, too strong, and a drink was exactly what I needed.

I grabbed the bottle and took a swig of the amber colored elixir. I felt the burn all the way down into my stomach, and then, slowly, a warm loose feeling overtook my body. I smiled. Lazily I took another small drink and then put the bottle back. I didn't need Charlie finding me drinking after last week. He had already been put through enough, thinking I had been kidnapped, or worse.

He would be put through a lot more.

I would think about that later.

I busied myself finishing dinner. After Charlie came home, we chatted about his day at work while we ate. He was having trouble with some local "hoodlums", as he liked to call them. They were spray painting giant pink penises on everything, and it was driving Charlie insane, along with the local clergy.

"I mean, these things are huge, Bells. I just don't understand what they are trying to prove. We don't have gangs, so it's not an initiation thing. Three convenience stores and two dry cleaners put up security cameras to try and catch them in the act. They're complaining that I'm not doing my job, but I can't be everywhere, and Johnson has his hands full with keeping tabs on all the regular stuff that goes on in a small town. I guess 'art work' is kinda low on my list." Charlie cleared his throat and looked uncomfortable.

"_Johnson _has his hands full?" I giggled a little and snorted at my stupid joke. Charlie just shook his head and frowned at me. Where had _that_ comment come from? I could feel my cheeks burning red and I diverted my eyes as Charlie went to the living room to watch T.V. I cleaned the kitchen quickly and thoroughly. Thinking about giant pink penises suddenly made me eager to start my research. Of course I never did get to see a certain penis, but I did get to feel it a few times. Well, more than a few times.

Gah. Why was I thinking about _his_ penis?

Asshole.

"In a hurry to go somewhere, Bells?" _Damn, why did he have to be so observant?_

"Uh, no, dad, I just have some homework that requires some internet research. And you know how slow dial-up is." He gave me the look that said 'let's not argue about this again.'

"What's it about?" _Ugh, why did he pick this night to be "Father of the year"? Think quickly, Bella, how much of the truth can I tell him without that stupid red creeping up my neck and giving me away._

"Uh…..life in Italy and how foreign exchange students cope with living outside of their home town for extended periods of time. I'm going to look up different programs and compare them, the costs and pros and cons of going there versus coming here. I think it will be a fun paper to do. I actually would like to go to Italy one day." Where the hell did that come from? I was a genius! Why hadn't I thought of that before? I lied smoothly and confidently. Apparently, some of his talent had rubbed off on me. I quickly squashed all other thoughts of _him_ rubbing various things on me before the red marched across my cheeks.

"Italy, huh? I've never been outside the states before myself. Sounds like fun. You know your mom would have a stroke if you went that far away." He tried to sound ominous, but there was a smile on his face. He was thinking about it, and I hadn't even asked the question.

Maybe this would be easier than I thought. I silently thanked God for my sudden inspiration and bounded up the stairs to my room. I had already fired up my computer earlier, and now it was ready to go. I logged onto the Internet and then went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. By the time I got back, my home page was up.

Two hours later, I discovered several things; a one-way ticket to Italy was two thousand dollars, a little out of my price range. Foreign exchange programs were expensive as well and programs ran from September to June or for the summer months. I could sell my new camera for some extra cash, but I would need it to take pictures of my time in Italy; evidence for my parents.

I fished around the site until I found what I was looking for and clicked it. It was a short list of students wanting to cut their trip short. I couldn't switch with them until Christmas, almost three months from now, and it would be half the regular price, costing me only eighteen hundred dollars. The family I stayed with would provide my room and board. I would have to pay for any meals out and any extra excursions. I didn't know how I was going to come up with that kind of cash. Three months would give me a chance to save up some money and say goodbye to everyone, and everything, from my human life. I emailed several of the students, my excitement building.

I had one huge piece of information left to find out, I didn't know exactly where the Volturi were. I pulled up a map of Italy and searched around the smaller towns, figuring they would not be in a heavily populated area. After twenty minutes I found it...Volterra, Italy. I rolled my eyes. Could it really be so obvious? It was as good a start as any. All I needed was a boatload of money and I could set my plan into motion.

Then something occurred to me; I had a brand new, very expensive stereo in my dashboard. I could hawk it, along with a few small pieces of jewelry my Gran gave to me. It wouldn't bring much, but it was a start. I had about eight hundred dollars in my checking account; I should be able to come up with the difference once I visited the pawn shop. Maybe I could pick up an extra job. I wondered if Charlie had any extra cash he would give me. I started tapping my foot as a slow smile spread across my face.

My mind was made up. I would have to lie to a lot of people, Charlie and Renee included, but it would be worth it in the end. At least for me. One day I would've had to become an independent adult, and move away from my dad and Forks. I was doing it a little sooner than later. And I was doing it to become a vampire. I laughed out loud; it was better than crying. Both emotions were battling for control inside of me. I wanted to laugh at my desire to be a vampire, and conversely, I wanted to cry for all the many things I would be giving up.

Most of all I wanted to see _him_ again.

I practiced my speech a few times, wrote down some notes, and found myself humming a song Jessica had been listening to during lunch. It was called "Friends" by Band of Skulls and I dug it. The sadness had been abated; for now at least. I was so excited at my new prospects, and my near genius plan, that I had a terrible time sleeping. When my eyes finally slid shut, I dreamed of _him._

_We were walking in our meadow, holding hands and laughing freely; his warm, soft touch felt like home. He lifted his fingers to graze my cheek, and that electric feeling was there, even in my dream. I smiled and tilted my head, ever so slightly, to kiss his soft lips. He, in turn, did the same thing, and when our lips met, it was like coming home. We were the same, and he wasn't angry and I wasn't filled with contempt for him leaving me. My breathing picked up as we deepened our kiss and pushed closer to each other, molding our bodies to one another's curves. It felt so good to have him back in my arms. My hands twisted up into his hair, his hands trailing up and down my back frantically searching for and finding my bare skin. My heart was racing, as was his. We desperately needed to be together and love each other in this place, our meadow. I pulled back from him, and looked into his brilliant green eyes. _

_I started laughing. This really was a dream. His heart, his eyes, his warm skin. Sadness overwhelmed me and I started crying. He stood there, watching me heave and shudder with the force of my sobs, and then, slowly, he walked away without looking back. _

_Love that is not madness is not love, he whispered._

I shot up out of bed as tears streamed down my face and a deep sob stuck in my throat. I sucked in several deep breaths, wrapped my arms around my middle, and tried to calm down. He left me in my dream, again, and he had been human this time. Those green eyes pierced my soul. He wanted me, he loved me, and yet he left me all the same. Logically, I knew dreams were nothing more than fragments of random thoughts and emotions put together by your brain in an attempt to solve a problem. But all of my logic did nothing to calm the sobs that shook me to my core.

That asshole left me again, along with his family, my family. "Get a hold of yourself," I whispered fiercely. "He's gone and he's not coming back." Asshole. Shit head. Jerk. None of these thoughts soothed me. I still loved him and wanted him; the warmth _down there _made that very obvious.

I would find him, after I had been changed, and he would be sorry. I would make him sorry. He left because I was human;he didn't have the balls to change me. So, I had to grow my own set, and take matters into my own hands. Stupid shitty dream. I used to love dreaming of him and the things we might do and of our future together. I hated dreaming now. They always ended with him leaving me. They needed to stop.

There was only one way to make dreams stop. No sleep, no dreams, no problem.

I looked at the clock; it was only three thirty in the morning. I groaned and rolled over, shut my eyes and willed myself back to sleep.

School, home and finally the weekend was here. I received an email from one of the students, Mark Rivoldi. He gave me some information about the family I would be staying with, the town of Florence, which conveniently was the closest airport to Volterra, everything he could think of. I emailed my heartfelt thanks to him, telling him how excited I was, and how I couldn't wait to meet my "foster family."

I was almost as good a liar as _he _was.

The date was set for December 28th. I would be spending one last Christmas with Charlie and Renee, and with any luck, my last as a human.

I couldn't believe how quickly things were falling into place. I was so excited to go, but still scared out of my mind. The decision had been made, almost by itself. I had wanted to become like him after our "date" at the clearing. When _he_ told me _he_ loved me for the first time, my heart almost burst with happiness. I couldn't believe this beautiful creature wanted me, loved me, cared for me. I knew we would be together, I knew I wanted to be like _him_. Alice had supplied me with the details I needed, and _he_ had told me, inadvertently, how a vampire could die by forcing the hand of the Volturi. Well if they could kill a vampire, certainly they could make one as well.

I'd worry later about whether or not they wouldmake me a vampire, or if they would just kill me instead. Either way, I was doing this for me and not for him. My life, my decision.

Not _his._

Charlie came home to a huge steak and stuffed baked potato. Yeah, I was buttering him up for my strange request. I steeled myself, expecting a fight to the finish.

"Uh, Dad? I have been thinking a lot about my paper on foreign exchange students, and how much fun it sounded like. I mean, you said yourself you had never been out of the country, and neither have I. Well, I almost got to go, but mom changed her wedding plans." I laughed nervously and started twirling a piece of my hair in an attempt to calm my sputtering heart.

"So, in doing the research, I found a list of students who needed to come home sooner than the end of the school year, and I emailed one of them and I can take his place."

Silence filled the kitchen. I fidgeted with the edge of my sleeve, feeling the soft fabric pull against my wrist; I suddenly became fascinated with a loose thread hanging off the edge.

"So, um, I was wondering if I could go and finish out the school year in Italy. I think it would be good for me, to get away… you know…. from the memories and such?" I bit my lip, realizing I sounded totally stupid and that my speech sounded so much better in my room in front of my mirror last night. I hoped he wouldn't see the gaping holes in my story, or the red that creeped up my neck with alarming speed.

"I think it's a great idea, Bella. You should go." He nodded his head and plopped a bite of potato into his mouth. Charlie didn't mince words.

I was speechless. My mouth hung open and it took me at least five seconds to process what he said. "I can go?" I croaked, blinking my eyes in confusion.

"Yeah, I think it will be good for you to see the world. Renee agrees with me. I called her, after your not so subtle hint, and she is on board for the most part. How much does it cost to go?" He smiled widely at me and I was absolutely speechless.

Maybe I was having an out of body experience.

I had not expected this. I had argued every point, every angle with myself over the last two days. I tried out different lines of reasoning and logic, came up with all kinds of reasons why it would be good for my future to see the world and experience life abroad before I went to college and got married. How I needed the trip to clear my head of _him._ How I could immerse myself in a new culture and new language.

None of those arguments were needed. Charlie and mom were giving me a free pass, and I took it. "Oh, um, the program costs eighteen hundred dollars and I'll need some extra money for food and sight-seeing. I won't be leaving until the semester break in December. I can show you some pictures of the family I will be staying with, if you like. I have some money saved up and I was thinking about taking another job to save up some extra money," I said, my mouth moved without really thinking about it. My head was floating somewhere above my body and I was watching our exchange with curiosity from above. I was getting what I wanted; so why was I scared out of my mind?

"Your mom and I and Phil can pay for the cost of the program as an early Christmas present." He smiled widely and warmly before turning more serious. "Now, we expect you to call us, frequently. Your mom and I are happy for you, but we are also scared out of our minds. I had to go a couple of rounds with Renee to convince her, and she is still not a hundred percent sure, but understands you wanting to leave for awhile." Charlie wanted names and numbers. I would be calling the family soon to get all the required numbers. He and Renee were also giving me a prepaid cell phone so I would have no excuses not to call home anytime I felt lonely.

"I really appreciate you asking permission. I am going to miss you something awful, Bella. Please be safe." Charlie was holding my hand and looking earnestly into my eyes. I blinked back the tears and gave him a huge hug. He returned it in full force. It was the most meaningful conversation we had ever had.

I was going to miss them both; the tears running down my cheeks were genuine. "Dad, I'm going to miss you so much. I really appreciate you letting me live with you and take care of you. When I come back things will be different. You'll see. This is just what I need so I can move on with my life." I hugged him even tighter and I heard him take a deep breath. I, too, breathed deeply, realizing just how true my words were. Somehow, some way, I would return to my father, and make up for all that I had put him and my mother through.

"Alright, alright, enough of that. Let's finish our dinner before it gets cold." We smiled and finished our dinner in comfortable silence.

After dinner I called my mom; she talked my ear off for an hour. She was very excited for me. She also changed her mind about letting me go, and then she changed it back again. She did that six more times.

"Mom, I really want you to want me to go. I know you'll miss me, but this is something I need for me." I was biting my lip and fidgeting with my hair while she waffled about the trip.

"Honey, I just don't know. You father makes a convincing argument for you to go, but I'll just miss you so much. You're already so far away, and Italy is really far away. I would never be able to come and visit you." Renee started on about all the exciting things I would see and people I would meet, all the while not making a firm commitment to help pay for the ticket.

I sighed a few times, and huffed a few times, and pressed my palm to my forehead a few times. Mom might be a harder sell than Charlie thought. We said our goodbyes and promised to talk again about my trip in a few weeks, after she had more time to think about it.

After a very eye-opening and emotionally exhausting day, I curled up on my bed, pulled the covers up to my ears, and waited for the dreams of him to begin.

Notes:

Love that is not madness is not love. Pedro Calderon de la Barca

I took a lot of liberties with the foreign exchange student program. Charlie is OOC in this fiction.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: Twilight still ain't mine

A/N: Short chapter. Thanks for your reviews, they make my heart go pitter-patter!

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EPOV

I couldn't find Victoria anywhere. After I left Panama, I drove straight to the northern edge of Seattle. Being so close to my love was hazardous, I would only need to drive a few miles and I could be at her window, watching her sleep, breathing her in. My body shuddered involuntarily as I imagined her in bed, her face softened with sleep, peaceful and alive. I clenched my fists, and almost cracked the steering wheel. I forced myself to refocus on the task at hand. Victoria was dangerous and a clever escape artist. I searched around the forest and found a faint trail. It was weeks old, but still strong enough for me to follow.

I drove through Idaho, past potato farms, zeroed in on the scent I was following. I wandered uselessly through dense forests and naked plains looking for Victoria. I allowed my primal nature to completely take over, hunting vampire instead of elk or bear. Being in that state was the closest I had come to some form of contentment since I left. The scent I followed had grown faint and I wondered if I was on the right track. I hazily registered the passage of time and miles. I cared about nothing except Bella and righting the wrong of allowing Victoria to remain alive.

Utah, and then New Mexico followed. I vaguely remembered filling my tank with gas, watching the scenery as it flew by, slowing down before the radar guns picked up on my outrageous speed, but my thoughts were mostly filled with Bella. I had shattered her heart. I died the day I left her, and there was now only a shell of my former self left. I cried and cried tearless sobs as I drove, wondering how I could ever have left her. I was a vile, disgusting creature who discarded the only thing that mattered in this world.

I was going mad being away from her. I felt my brain recoiling from itself and functioning only in my memories of her.

A few times I found evidence of my kind, but left them, relishing the relative solitude of my car and the fading scent of Bella. I replayed our last moments together, and it tortured me. I deserved this pain. I would relish it for the rest of my existence. I cherished my torment as a masochist cherished punishment.

I had stayed in the trees, watching her as she looked for me, listening to her sweet voice calling my name, blindly searching for someone who no longer existed. I forced myself to watch her as she broke in two. I watched as her heart fractured and then exploded under the force of her screams and cries. I watched as she lay down and sobbed into the decaying leaves and dirt of the forest floor. I watched as she relented and gave in to the hopelessness that enveloped her.

I watched and did nothing.

I am a monster.

I found myself in Texas a month later full of despair for losing my prey once again. Victoria was a ghost to me, a fleeting memory I couldn't find. I was not a tracker and trying it only made my grief deeper and darker.

I wandered around the humid night air of southern Texas. Even in late October it was sticky and hot. I found myself in the beach town of Galveston, decorated for the ridiculousness that was Halloween. If they only knew who the real monsters were that lived among them during daylight hours they would never dress up again as ghosts and ghouls; they would dress up as each other.

I chucked humorlessly as I remembered the Halloween Emmett dressed up in a cheerleader outfit, with a blonde wig and high heels.

"Emmett, cheerleaders don't wear high heels to cheer in! They were sneakers." Rosalie huffed at him placing her hands on her hips.

"Plus," Alice chimed in, "purple really isn't your color."

"Aw, C'mon babe! I've got a special cheer just for you." Emmett waggled his eyebrows and got a huge grin on his face; he grabbed Rose by the waist, and picked her up like a sack of potatoes. A multitude of cheers were running through his head while he ran up the staircase, still wearing his heels. His bulky, hairy legs sticking out the bottom of the pleated skirt caused Esme to laugh so hard she fell on the ground and cracked her newly laid Venetian marble floor.

I envied my family in their marital bliss. My bitterness all but alienated me from them, and for awhile it did. I kept to myself for many years, listening in on their lives, participating occasionally, loathing my very existence. Bella changed me by merely sitting next to me in an excruciatingly boring biology class.

A seagull's cry shook me from my thoughts. I walked alongside the murky sand filled water of the small island which passed as a coveted vacation destination for many southerners and considered an existence of pure solitude. I had done it before, when I had left Carlisle to go my own way, and the thought appealed to me. I could wallow alone, away from the thoughts and longing glances of my family. I could cry and rock myself into oblivion alone, but never in peace. I would never know peace again away from her. I stood on the damp sand and watched the waves roll in, one after the other, for an untold amount of time. The tugging sensation was getting stronger. The hole in my chest was getting deeper. I was weary from staying away.

My mind wandered to Jasper and all he went through while living in this part of the continent. His memories of Maria haunted me still. The cruelty she showed him and her victims was unjustified, yet he was loyal to her for many decades.

I picked up a shell and rubbed my fingers across the fragile sandy surface, and watched the individual grains as they fell to the ground. Each grain was like a piece of my heart falling away from me. The longer I stayed away, the smaller my heart became. The human in me that Bella had brought out so easily was quickly falling away, just like those grains of sand. I tossed the shell out to sea and listened to the splash as it touched the surface of the water.

A strangled moan echoed in my mind and I snapped my head towards the direction from where it came. I had been blocking out humans for weeks and was startled to hear one of them now. I stalked along the beach, searching out the source of the moan. _Ahhhhhhh. oooooOOOOoooh_! Reverberated in my mind. It was a feverish sound, frantic and pleading in its tenacity. I moved my head from side to side, looking for the source

_Oh, yeah, baby. Right there!_ I sucked in a deep and shaking breath. I was absolutely ridiculous. I focused on blocking out the two lovers and continued with my stroll down the beach. I didn't want to think about all the ways humans gave each other pleasure, or the many ways I wanted to pleasure Bella. She was the star of my every fantasy, my every desire. Her full lips begged to be kissed, sucked and licked. My fingers itched to touch the silky skin of her legs, of her thighs. It was foolish to think these thoughts, yet I couldn't stop the images from playing out in my mind.

I pressed my fingers into my eyes, wishing again for the blissful peace of death.

I forced my attention to the myriad of sea creatures flitting about the water just under the surface of the cool sea. A small grouping of bottlenose dolphins was frolicking six miles out, splashing about in the deeper waters, no doubt looking for an evening meal of shrimp and catfish. The humans couldn't see them, it was too dark and they were too far away, but I watched them contentedly.

A small group of females noticed I was standing by myself and they started whispering and giggling, daring one another to talk to me. One of them, Shannon, started to stumble towards me. _He's cute. Gorgeous actually._ Her drunken thoughts reached out to me like the tentacles of an octopus. _I wonder if he has a girlfriend. Well, if she isn't_ _here, then maybe I can be his girlfriend for the night_. I stiffened my back in anticipation of her arrival. She was twenty paces away and her heartbeat belayed her drunkenness. Alcohol acted a vasodilator which caused the peripheral blood vessels to relax, allowing more blood to flow thru skin and tissue. Her heart, in an attempt to keep her blood pressure steady, pumped harder to push the extra blood through her body. The vile girls' face was red as a result of her night of drinking, and as she walked towards me, swaying her oversized hips, her mouth curled up into a lascivious grin. It made me want to vomit.

"Hey there handsome. What's your name?" Shannon giggled. She was drunk and her sense of self-preservation was hampered by the alcohol coursing through her veins. I could smell an ungodly amount of tequila and lime juice wafting off of her skin. Images of shot glasses and dancing on a table scattered across her mind. She smelled as if she had bathed in alcohol, and from the looks of her flimsy blouse, she may have.

"She's not here, and it would be in your best interest to leave me to my own devices." I turned to her, unleashing my intense gaze into her eyes, hoping she would get spooked and leave me alone. I heard her heart sputter and breathing accelerate as she looked at me; I watched as her eyes widened in surprise. _Not human_ was her only thought. She stumbled backwards on her well worn flip flops, causing her group of friends to laugh loudly, and walked quickly back to the sea wall as images of various demons and monsters flickered in her mind.

She had no idea what kind of a monster I could be.

For years I had hunted and feasted on mankind, justifying my actions by only feeding on the psychopathic lunatic fringe. My victims were unworthy to breathe clean air. I had become judge, jury and executioner to hundreds of deplorable humans; but my conscious won out, forcing me to my home, my family, my desolate existence. When I was the hunter I felt I had found my purpose, but killing was not my ultimate destiny, and the guilt of all that blood weighed heavily on my mind. I returned home and with it came the bitterness of being alone in a house full of lovers.

I would have no lover of my own. I was committed to Bella; she would always be my mate. Our kind mated for life and I belonged to her forever. I didn't deserve her love and she deserved a better life than that of a vampire.

I was the vilest kind of monster, one who could allow a human to fall in love with him, only to crush her. I was a murderer of murderers, a killer of rapists and child predators. I fed on their blood, justifying my need for a purpose by keeping the streets a little safer for the humans in my midst.

I wasn't worthy of her love. I wasn't worthy to clean the dirt off her shoes.

I deserved to be alone. I deserved to miss her every second of every day.

As much as I didn't deserve her, I still wanted to be near her. My need for her was so much stronger than my self hate, and that simple thought spoke volumes.

Bella's face was always there, just under the surface, ready to overwhelm me with darkness and sorrow. I missed her desperately. It would never end, never stop.

Alice wasn't any help. Her constant phone calls did nothing but annoy me. She was seeing things, but I always hung up before she had the chance to tell me about them. She was too far away from me to read her mind, and I didn't want to hear about Bella's bright future with her human love.

My life had become a monotony of wandering and feeding. I hated myself, I hated this life. I had nothing to look forward to. I had nothing but emptiness and loneliness ahead. I contemplated visiting the Volturi, they could end my pain. I quickly dismissed the thought. I had to stay alive for now.

I needed to see Bella first, and then I would decide what to do.

It had been six excruciatingly long weeks, and I was desperate. I would just look in on her while she was sleeping, and then I would leave forever. My breath picked up as I anticipated seeing her sleeping form once again. I was trembling. My feet twitched of their own accord, wanting to run to her; their patience long since gone.

I had to go back and make sure she was safe; to see if Victoria had made an appearance. Getting another dose of her scent was exactly what I needed in order to track her.

I was a foolishly kidding myself. I wanted to see my love, my Bella, and I clung to the feeblest of excuses as a way to make such a thing happen.

The trembling grew worse. Would I be able to see her without touching her? Without feeling her warm lips pressed against mine? Vivid memories of our kisses filled my head. Her sweet taste was almost palpable on my tongue. If could resist the wine of her lips, I would be strong enough to leave her again.

No. I would never leave her again.

I shook my head. I was going back to her. To beg her for forgiveness. To grovel at her feet for all of eternity, if she would only let me. I couldn't go another day without seeing her. I was already at my car door when I started laughing to myself.

My Bella. Soon, my love, I will be at your window, begging for my life back. Begging for you to love me again. I closed my eyes and saw her face, her eyes, her lips, the way her t-shirt fit over her small hips.

What if she didn't want me? What if she didn't love me anymore? My hand hovered over my door handle as fear clawed it's way down my spine.

What if she has already moved on and didn't want my love anymore?

I refused to think any further than that. Her dismissal of my love was something I wasn't going to plan for. I slid into my car and started the engine up. My phone vibrated in my pocket, distracting me for a moment.

"Alice, I'm..." I started to speak.

"Bella's in Italy. She's gone to the Volturi."

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(runs and hides)

Reviews are better than eavesdropping on couples having sex.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: Twilight….I still don't own it….sigh…

A/N: Hey! A new chapter for all my regular readers!! For real, yo!

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BPOV

After one week of "normal teenage life" I had begun to divorce myself from my surroundings. My attitude went from okay, to acceptable, to crappy, to "I don't give a rat's ass." Charlie noted the difference, lectured me a few times...each lasting a monumental three minutes… and hoped I would go back to "happy, wholesome Bella." I actually felt myself slipping away and being replaced with this new "whatever" I was becoming. At first it scared me; the rage, the hate, the utter emptiness inside that I couldn't control. I thought it would go away, this "new" person living inside of me, this other character, but I found it easier to be hateful and closed off. I found it almost peaceful. My friends left me alone, the teachers ignored me…it was nice.

I was in survival mode, and I was dying on the inside.

# # # # #

Six weeks after _he _left, I celebrated by punching Lauren Mallory in the face. Tramp. She deserved it, and I was happy to give it to her.

"Bella," Charlie glared at me, "what is going on with you?" He crossed his arms and waited for my answer.

I was staring out the kitchen window, holding a baggie full of ice over my sore knuckles, trying to come up with a good story. "She pissed me off." I could almost hear Charlie's eye roll. What did he expect me to say? He didn't want the truth, he wanted his daughter back….but she was gone and only her shell was left.

"What is that supposed to mean?" He wasn't going to let me off that easily.

"I'd rather not get into it, dad. She said some things about…_him_…" I spat the word out so he would know who I meant. Charlie grunted and walked over to the kitchen table.

"Your grounded for two weeks." I looked at him, opening my mouth to say something when he cut me off, "and you are going to school. I had a talk with the principle and since you haven't been in a fight before, they aren't going to suspend you. Your lucky Bella, they could have kicked you out for the year, but he's doing me a favor."

"Some favor," I mumbled.

"If you have something to say then say it. Otherwise I suggest you straighten up and stop acting like a jerk." Charlie sighed then placed his hand on my shoulder. "I have to catch up on some paperwork at the station tonight. Can I trust you not to leave the house tonight?"

I nodded my head, still looking out the window and seething. That bitch Mallory deserved her broken nose. Fucking whore. I could only hope Jessica appreciated what I did, not that I could find it in me to really give a fuck. Charlie left and I continued to stare out the window.

Lauren had been talking shit about me and why _he_ left. Nothing to my face, but loud enough so I could hear it, and it was pissing me off. In fact, everything in this town was pissing me off. In the cafeteria, in gym, in the parking lot, she just wouldn't keep her stupid mouth shut. She also started throwing herself at Mike, and Jessica was too much of a kiss-ass to say anything to her, even though it was eating her up inside.

"You need to tell that bitch how you really feel. Fuck her if she doesn't want to be your friend," I told Jessica one day at school; she was speechless, and that was a first.

"What do you mean, Bella?" She looked around nervously, wondering if anyone had heard me in the crowded lunch room. "And what is wrong with you lately? You're like totally whack. Are you on drugs?"

"No one is looking and you know what I mean. I am not on drugs, don't be stupid. I was stupid once, but never again. You should tell her how you really feel, and fuck her if she doesn't want your friendship anymore. She doesn't deserve your loyalty." I was speaking calmly, the words were steady and even, but my heart was pounding as my anger level rose. I was tired of small town minds and small town gossip. These girls wouldn't give a shit about all this high school drama once they were in college, so why not tell it like it was. I had let shit go for too long, and then _he_ left.

No more. Everyone would know how I felt. That included the blonde whore Mallory. I walked right up to her and punched her in the nose as hard as I could, remembering to keep my thumb on the top of my fist so as not to break it; just like dad taught me too. She fell down on her butt, and grabbed her nose; it had started to bleed.

"You stupid bitch, what is wrong with you?" Lauren screamed at me. Her gaggle of ass-kissers stooped beside her and glared at me; someone handed her a napkin.

The rage I felt caused me to shake and pulse. I had never been so angry, so bitter, in all my life. I wanted to tear her apart, pound her head into the floor, and kick her in the stomach. Instead, I bent down close to her face and said in a calm, almost serene voice, "stop fucking around with Mike, and I'll stop fucking around with you." Her eyes widened in shock, then swung over to Jessica.

"I…I…uh…I..," Jess looked at me, "I didn't want this." Her whisper was almost inaudible, her hands floated in the air, palms up, as she shook her head.

Jessica was no longer my friend after that day; she joined the ranks of "those who no longer liked Bella Swan." There were quite a few of them; I didn't care. High school had turned into a joke that was no longer funny. I wondered why Edward bothered going at all. I surely wouldn't be gracing the halls of any high school again once I was changed.

"The Change" was all I thought about. My patience quickly grew thin once I decided to leave; nothing held my attention, nothing else mattered. My father's opinion was the only one I cared about, everyone else could go screw themselves.

One month, and I had become my complete opposite.

Hate could do that to a person.

I hated myself.

I hated Edward.

I hated this small, crappy town and everything it stood for.

Most of all, I hated that he left me alone. Utterly. Fucking. Alone.

After Charlie left for work, I sat at the window until the sun had completely set. I didn't see the trees, the darkening sky, or the softly rustling leaves that had turned a myriad of colors. All I saw was _him._

Tears of anger and sadness intermixed as they fell onto the table. There was nowhere in town that didn't hold a memory of _him_ for me. I couldn't go to the grocery store because _he_ would go with me, making retching noises and sour faces down every isle. I couldn't go to the book store, because _he_ loved to buy me books and watch me read, and read to me. Every one of my classes contained an empty seat that used to be _his. _I couldn't go anywhere.

Forks had become my own personal hell on Earth.

I couldn't stay in the house any longer. I got up from the table, my father's punishment all but forgotten, and headed for my truck. There was only one place I wanted to go at that moment; there was only one person I wanted to see. Jacob.

We had grown close after "asshole" left me. He was pretty much the only one in town I could stand being around. He was easy going, didn't push, and had a serious crush on me. He made me feel wanted, and beautiful and sexy.

He wouldn't leave me.

I stopped when I got to the front door and turned around, and headed back to the fridge for "supplies." I grabbed a few of Charlie's beers, he would never miss them. I didn't bother calling Jake before I left my house; he always had time for me.

On the drive to LaPush, the guilt started creeping up on me, and I did my best to put that shit out of my head. All I wanted was to hang out with my friend and drink a beer; the guilt I felt for not being able to love Jacob the way he deserved would have to take a break for the night. I was tired of feeling guilty for not living up to everyone else's expectations.

I pulled up to Jake's house and headed for the "garage" which was little more than a couple of carports pushed together. He was there, as usual, working on his car. He raised his head, flashed a warm, inviting smile and patted the seat next to him.

"Are you ever going to be done with that piece of crap?" I sat down and he put his arm around me, giving me a firm hug from the side.

"I've missed you too, Bella. I heard about your 'altercation' today through the grapevine." I sighed and rolled my eyes, knowing he meant Billy. "I can't believe your dad let you out. I figured he would ground you or something." He popped open a beer and took a long drink.

"He did ground me, but had to go in and finish up some paperwork or some shit. I guess I'm a bad ass all around. Punching girls, sneaking out, drinking beer with a minor…see the kind of influence you've had on me, Jake? Maybe I should leave…" I made to get up, but Jake fake punched me and pretended to be offended.

"You are the 'adult' in this relationship, just remember that, old lady. If anyone is doing the influencing it's you." He winked at me before taking a drink. "Mmmmmm…nectar of the gods." Then Jake let out a long and loud burp. He appeared very proud of himself when he was done.

"Sexy Jake, really sexy," I said and punched him back. His arms were bigger, and harder than I remembered, he seemed to have grown over the past week, and he was warm; I could feel his heat wafting off of him like a space heater.

He leaned close to my ear and whispered, "I can be very sexy Bella….very sexy." His breath tickled my ear and his lips grazed my neck; it sent an unexpected shiver down my spine and caused my heart to pick up its pace. My palms started sweating.

"Jake…I…uh..," I was looking into his lust filled eyes, only inches from his face, and felt goose bumps break out across my arms. I had thought about kissing Jake many times over the past month, who wouldn't? He was gorgeous with long, silky black hair, big muscles and a kind heart. He was a 'complete package', but I was damaged goods, and I was leaving. I couldn't love him the way he deserved to be loved, with my heart, but I could love him in other ways….ways that _he_ wouldn't love me….physical ways…

"Shhhh," was all he said before he bent his head toward me and touched my lips with his.

A million thoughts went through my head…did I really want this? Was this right? Does he have a condom? My hand snaked around his waist and pulled him to me. A soft moan escaped my parted lips and he thrust his tongue into my mouth. It was the first time I had ever kissed with tongue, and it was divine. Jacob's mouth moved fluidly over mine with expertise and fervor; I was surprised, I didn't know he knew how to kiss so well.

"Jacob." I all but moaned his name as his hands found the skin of my back and slowly made their way up to the bottom of my bra. I shivered again in the cool night air, not because I was cold, because I wanted sex…badly. It had been so long since I had been touched like that, and I missed it desperately. A memory of Edward skimming his lips over my neck tried to surface, but I buried it deep….Jacob deserved to have me, and Edward was gone.

"Bella," Jacob had moved his mouth back to my ear and was nibbling at it, "is this okay?" I could feel him shaking; I could feel his pounding heart pressing up against my chest.

I answered him by moving my hands up underneath his shirt and pressing my palms flat against his smooth, firm chest. I felt him shudder underneath me. He, in turn, moved his hands up underneath my bra and cupped my naked breast. He moaned, squeezed, and sucked my bottom lip into his mouth all at the same time. It was fantastic.

Just as I was about to round second base myself; I heard a voice from the past.

"_Be happy."_

I sucked in a scream and pushed Jacob away; he fell back onto the dirt floor stunned.

"Bella, what's wrong? Are you okay? Did I do something wrong?" Jacob's eyes were wide with fright. He started to get up, but something in my expression stopped him cold. I felt the tears start to slide down my cheeks but I didn't have the will to wipe them away.

I heard_ him_.

_He_ had spoken to me.

The sound of _his_ voice was so real, so clear; I looked around frantically searching for him, and finding only a darkened yard. I started sobbing and gasping for breath. Jacob crawled over to me and wrapped both of his strong arms around me and pulled me into his lap, cradling me like a baby.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that." He stroked my hair and rocked us back and forth. After awhile my cries died down, and I was able to breathe again.

"Jake...you deserve better than me." I buried my head in his shoulder and took several deep breaths and tried to get my shaking body under control. I didn't realize just how much I ached for Edward until I heard his voice; my heart broke all over again.

"I want you Bella, however much of you I can get, even if it's not everything, it will be enough for me." Jacob lifted my chin up with his finger so that I was looking into his eyes. "I will wait for you."

I opened my mouth to tell him not to waste his time when Billy started screaming.

"Bella…Bella your father wants you to go home right now." I closed my eyes and leaned my head back onto Jake's shoulder and sighed.

"Tell him she's leaving now," Jacob answered for me, and I was grateful.

"I think I just won another two weeks of being grounded." I got up and started towards my truck, "I'm sorry about what happened back there. Umm…can we talk about it later?" I stammered and looked down at my shoes.

"Whenever you're ready, I'll be ready." I knew he wasn't referring to any future conversations we might have.

"Thanks Jake, you're the best." I kissed his cheek and climbed into my truck.

Charlie was waiting for me in the living room when I got home. He didn't look happy.

"You left."

"Dad….I'm sorry…I just…" Just what…? Just wanted to get drunk with a friend? Just wanted to get felt up? Just wanted to feel wanted? "I needed to clear my head a little, that's all. No big deal." I could tell Charlie was going to yell, his face had turned a light shade of purple.

"NO BIG DEAL?" Charlie ran his hands through his hair and shook his head. "Bella, I grounded you. What were you thinking?" He stood there, looking at me, waiting for an answer…a repeat of this afternoon.

"I don't know what you're getting so upset over. I went to go see Jacob. Big deal. Add another week to my sentence if makes you happy. I won't be here much longer anyway, so do what you want. I'll be in my room." I turned to go upstairs, but Charlie surprised me by grabbing my arm and spinning me around.

"You aren't going anywhere young lady. You are staying right here. I won't be giving you any money for Italy. You need to straighten up, and stop this nonsense." He continued talking for another minute but I didn't hear him.

All I heard was 'you can't go to Italy'. I stood there, blinking and breathing, and nothing else.

"Bella?!? Did you hear me? You are staying right hear. I'm putting you into counseling. If I can't trust you here in Forks then I can't trust you in another country." He opened his mouth to say something else, but I interrupted him.

"Fuck you, Charlie." My eyes filled, my face turned red, and I clenched my fists so hard I nearly cut myself with my short nails.

"Go to your room." Charlie was angrier than I had ever seen him before and I didn't care because I was just as angry.

I ran up to my room, slammed my door, and fell to the floor on my hands and knees. There was no way I was going to let Charlie stop me from going to Italy, to the Volturi. _What the fuck am I going to do now? _I could feel myself tearing apart with rage, the shaking from earlier in the day had returned ten-fold. I pounded the floor as hard as I could with both of my fists.

"STOP THAT RIGHT NOW!!!!" Charlie screamed. So, to let him know I heard him, I pounded even harder, and when I did, one of my floorboards came loose.

"What the…" I picked up the end of the plank and lifted it up. The once empty space was now filled with several small items from my disastrous birthday party. A silver box, still wrapped, the c.d. Edward had made me, and a photograph I had taken of him. I held the picture up, stunned into utter silence by his beauty.

"Why did you leave me?" I crawled into bed and stared at his picture until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer. _I miss you so much it hurts_ was my last thought. That night I dreamed I was in the forest, looking for Edward, walking in the never ending dark.

I woke up screaming.

School was the last thing on my mind, all I really wanted was to stare at Edward's picture, listen to his music and cry. I wouldn't be going to Italy, I wouldn't become a vampire and I wouldn't get to see _him_ again. I felt myself slipping into a pit of despair and I was too weak to stop.

I rolled onto my stomach and stared at the hole in my floor. There was one present left for me to open. I lazily reached out and picked up a very light rectangular box. I ripped off the paper and opened my gift…in it lay two vouchers for a first class trip to Phoenix, Arizona.

They were worth one thousand dollars each.

I would be going to Italy after all.

"Bella, you awake?" Charlie knocked softly on the door.

"Yeah, I'm getting ready for school. I'll be down in a minute." I didn't know what else to say, I was still staring at the tickets in my hands.

"I'm heading in to work. We'll talk about last night when I get home, okay?"

"Uh, yeah dad, sure. We'll talk later." I barely heard his heavy steps above my pounding heart. I was holding my future in my hands. I could leave this miserable town today, right now…. well, as soon as I was sure my dad was gone. I went to my closet and found a duffle bag and started stuffing it with whatever clothes my hands touched. I put Edward's picture in my back pocket and c.d. in my purse. It only took a few minutes to find my unused passport, tucked away in a box in the back of my closet.

My hands were shaking and my palms were sweaty. I wrote a note to my dad:

_Dad, I'll come back when the time is right. Know that I am safe and happy. _

_Don't try to find me. I love you. _

_Forgive me….Bella_

After I emptied my bank account I drove to the airport.

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Reviews are better than pounding your fists on the floor…and less painful!


	6. Chapter 6

BPOV

By the time I got to the airport, bought a ticket, and made it through security, it was 1:30 p.m. I was getting a little panicky about the time, and whether or not the principle had called my dad yet to ask him why I wasn't at school.

_Stupid small town where everybody knows everybody's business_.

Well, almost.

I wandered around the airport for an hour, perusing magazines, overpriced candy and gaudily decorated Seattle t-shirts and coffee mugs. When they flight boarding announcement finally came over the speakers, I nearly jumped out of my skin. I had been terrified my father would be standing there, around every corner, ready too arrest me and ship me off to finish out my high school career in military school.

My seat was in coach, near the back of the plane, and in a deserted row. I guessed not too many people flew to Chicago on a Wednesday afternoon. I saw several business men, dressed in ties and shiny loafers, a large group of retiree's and a newlywed couple struggling to keep their hands off of each other. Their display of love turned my stomach and I looked out the window and waited to vomit, or takeoff.

After an hour in the air, the drink and snack cart came by. I ordered a soda and peanuts and put on my headphones, drowning out the chatter of the other passengers. As clouds floated by, I listened to _his_ music, soothing and infuriating at the same time. The last six weeks had been the worst of my life; it was hard to remember a time before, my happier self. Our summer together was life-altering. We were always together, always touching, always kissing, always….but never the one thing I wanted to do. I gave him my soul that summer, whether he knew it or not, he owned me.

I thought I wouldn't be able to live without him by my side, but I had proven stronger, realizing I could survive without him. When I found I could push everything away, and live in my hate, it became even easier. The cussing, the rage and the drinking, which were unthinkable before, had become second nature almost overnight. I didn't like who I had become, and the things that I had done were reprehensible. I had to forgive myself for driving Edward away; I had to come to terms with it if I was to ever move on and enjoy my new existence.

The reality of my thoughts struck home with such a force of truth I had to hold onto the armrests for support. I had driven him away with my humanity, my frailty, my vulnerability. If I ever did see him again, I would apologize and ask him for forgive me my shortcomings. Once I was changed I would search for him, set myself free of his hold and live and breathe and be.

It was an exhilarating thought…being free from Edward's hold on me. Free from the pain, the sadness and the utter self-hate I had been feeding on for far too long. My thoughts wandered and I lost track of time. Before long, we were in Chicago, and it was time to switch planes for the second leg of my flight.

On the trip to Brussels I wasn't as lucky to have a row to myself, or in the back. An older and very chatty lady sat next to me, extolling stories of her travels, which were impressive, but I just didn't care to hear them. I nodded politely and looked interested, but my mind was already in Italy.

"I'm sorry dear; I'm boring you with my life story." She smiled kindly and patted my hand. "I just thought you looked so despondent, that maybe you wouldn't mind an old lady trying to take your mind off of your troubles."

"Thank you…I didn't realize it was so obvious." She gave me a sad smile that spoke of understanding and then opened a book, leaving me to my thoughts.

I desperately wanted to talk to someone, anyone, about what I was about to do, but who would believe me? I missed Alice so much at that moment, more than I realized. I hadn't thought about her a lot in the past month; she was in the background of my pain, a duller thud than the one caused by Edward's absence. I missed my almost sister; she was the only one I could talk to about anything. Her advanced years, along with her unbridled enthusiasm, endeared her to me quicker than I thought possible. I wondered if she could see what I was planning. I wondered if she cared or if she too had been more than willing to leave the fragile human behind, no longer a worry for her precious Jasper.

I wondered if Jasper was sad about what had happened. I never saw him again after that night, or any of them for that matter. If I ever saw him again I would thank him…right after I slapped him. He was the catalyst to my becoming a vampire. Without his almost bite, I wouldn't be here, on my way to Italy to seal my fate as an immortal. Did my almost parents miss me? Did they lament their decision to leave? I wonder where they went and why they, too, left me. My family was never as strong as theirs was. They were bound to each other by ties much fiercer than just a secret identity; they actually loved and fought for each other. Why didn't my father fight for my mother? My life would've been so much different, growing up with two loving parents in the same household, instead of thousands of miles apart.

I envied Edward for so much more than his beauty and kindness; I envied everything his family was that mine wasn't.

At some point I dozed off, only waking when the dinner cart came by at ten. I ate the mostly tasteless meal, finished off my juice and asked for a pillow and blanket. The seat reclined a precious few inches, but it was enough to give me comfort for the long night ahead. Charlie, no doubt, knew I was gone; would he have the foresight to go to the airport? My truck was in extended parking, never to be picked up by its owner again. Would he cry? Would he crack open a beer and turn on the game? I hoped he would understand if I ever saw him again.

The lull of the engine and the quiet cabin soothed me into a light sleep. Scattered thoughts and random pictures filtered through my mind as I wound down the different paths of their irregular jaunts. My last conscious thought, before deep and dreamless sleep took me, was of the painting that hung in Carlisle's study, and the beautifully fierce figures of Aro, Marcus and Caius.

Twenty-five hours after I left my life in Seattle, I arrived in Florence, Italy. As I rose from my seat, I looked back and said goodbye to my former self. No longer would I be this other Bella. I was going to be a new creation. I would either die or go to wherever I would go, or I would become a vampire. I was tired in my soul, tired of the loneliness and the sadness. I would never stop looking for him, and I would never forget my love for him, but it was time for me to begin my new life. The empty seat held everything I no longer was, and to her, I said goodbye.

It was four in the afternoon by the time I left the airport and dark clouds covered the sky. As I walked towards the city, I took in my surroundings in a sort of daze, stretching my legs and arms as I did so, and that was when I spotted her.

She was standing by an alley entrance, studying the crowds of shopping couples and executives milling about the sidewalks after lunchtime meetings. My breath caught and then I smiled to myself, knowing what she was immediately. When our eyes met, she cocked her head to the side, seemingly in an internal debate with herself. She knew I was staring at her unabashed and mostly unafraid. I had found my destiny, and it had only taken an hour. I walked straight towards her, noted her waist length red hair and her unnaturally pale skin. She was dressed in an extremely tight black dress with a plunging neckline that left nothing to the imagination. Her knee high boots looked designer and I noticed several men openly gawking at her as I crossed the street. My heart was racing and I started to sweat, even though it was a pleasantly cool afternoon.

Her watchful violet eyes followed my every move, ignoring the salivating men for the time being. I imagined she could hear my thudding heart, smell my sweat, even in the midst of the crowd. I hoped I didn't smell good to her although I'm sure all humans were desirable.

"Well, hello there," she purred in her silky voice. "See something you like? My normal rate is three hundred American dollars an hour, but for you sweet one, I think I will only charge you two hundred." She smiled at me, feral and beautiful.

I took a deep breath, "Hi, and although I am flattered that you would offer me a discount, I am going to have to pass. I would, however, like to meet your family; Aro, Caius and Marcus. Do you think they would mind a little company?" I sounded much braver than I felt, and I knew my speeding pulse gave away might fright, but she didn't react to it; at least not that I could tell. I wished for some of my former rage, the rage I left on the airplane, it would be better than the paralyzing fear.

She narrowed her eyes, judging me. "I can hear your heart racing, little one. Are you afraid? What courage you posses to walk over here and ask me such a thing." She lowered her voice as she spoke. "The smell of your fear gives you away." She leaned in close and took a deep breath, the men nearby watched with rapture as she physically trembled from my smell. "Mmmmm, you smell delicious." She looked me up and down, and then looked around us to make sure no one was close enough to hear her. The men were still looking at us, mouths hanging open from her display, but weren't brave enough to come any closer to her, choosing to whisper to each other instead.

"How do you know of my family?"

"I know of you from Carlisle Cullen and his coven. Do you know him?"

"Ah, yes. The vegetarians. I know them. How is it that you know them, and about us? We are somewhat private about our affairs." She seemed genuinely curious and I relaxed minutely, happy to tell her anything she wanted to know.

"I was to be his son's mate, Edward." I only paused for a second before I said his name, she noticed but said nothing. "He left me, though, unwilling to make me like him. I've come here to seek your family's mercy and to plead my case to change me." I had lowered my voice to a bare whisper, knowing she could her me.

"What makes you think we'll change you instead of draining you? You are mouthwatering." She took another deep breath next to my neck and moaned slightly. It was both nerve wracking and slightly erotic; she derived intense pleasure from my smell and I shivered.

"I don't know," I said as evenly as I could manage, her sweet perfume washed over me, and I automatically took a deep breath. She started laughing, throwing her head back and tousling her thick hair in the process. Several people turned to look at the statuesque model laughing. "I think I like you, little one. What is your name?" Her smile reached her eyes, and she softened somewhat, perhaps taking pity on me.

"Bella Swan."

"My name is Heidi, and I do think Aro is going to like you immensely." She looked around us, judged the humans close by and nodded to herself. "I suppose I'll have to finish later. I have a car on the next street. My family is about an hour's drive from here. Are you ready?" She took a few steps and looked at me, waited for me.

Was I ready? I had been waiting weeks for this, had been willing to wait months, and now that it was finally here, I was glued to my spot on the concrete sidewalk. I had come far, both physically and emotionally, in the last 24 hours, and still I was frightened of what lay ahead of me. I took a deep breath and forced my leg to lift my foot and walk one in front of the other. I was scared but determined. I didn't know if I could trust Heidi, maybe she would kill me in the car and dump my body on the side of the road, there was no way of telling. I had to trust that either way; I would never be the same once I got into her vehicle.

What a stupid lamb.

# # # # # #

"I met Aro when I was twenty five human years old." Heidi started, "he changed me after following me around the village I lived in. My husband was working in the fields, harvesting wheat and I went to the butcher to buy a little meat for our supper that night. When he saw me, he knew I was to be his newest toy." She laughed as if it were an old joke between two friends. "He walked up to me and asked me if I could show him where the cobbler was." She shifted her black Lamborghini into second and pushed her speed up to 120 M.P.H. without hesitation.

"What year was it?" I asked, feeling very strange and comfortable in her presence. She was intimidating in her beauty, like Rosalie, but she was very charming and alluring. I found myself drawn to her and her soothing voice.

"It was 1782; I was living in the English countryside and I was very trusting and naïve. I took Aro in the direction of the cobbler's house; he asked if we could walk in the shade of the trees by the road." She paused for a moment and smoothed her hair behind her ear, a very human habit that made me smirk.

"Weren't you scared of the way he looked? Wait, in the shade? Was it sunny?" My curiosity flamed.

"It was cloudy, but the sun was peaking through here and there. I never saw his skin, not until later, that is. He was, and still is, beautiful. I was intrigued by his voice and mannerisms. He was very polished. I thought he was a prince and maybe he would give me some money if I helped him. We walked over to the trees, and I being a proper lady, stayed several paces to the side, but he grabbed me, and we were running before I could understand what was happening. I was screaming, of course, but no one knew where the screaming was coming from. It was a trail of sound, with no body for it to belong to." She looked wistful for a moment, remembering the dusty trails of her former life. "A few days later, I was a vampire." She smiled, her glistening white teeth shinning in the grey afternoon light.

"Did you ever see your family again?" The question came out to rushed and too emotional. Even though I was still pissed at Charlie, I wanted to see him again, to explain. I was hoping beyond hope it might be possible to reconcile with him once I returned.

"No, and it's a good thing. I would've fed on my husband and children and felt horribly guilty, even though I had no affection for them once I turned. They were just relics of my former life, but I still didn't want to harm them."

"How many children did you have?"

"Five; four boys and one girl." She smiled as my mouth dropped open.

"Wow." I watched the Italian countryside pass by at break-neck speeds and thought about Heidi and her large family. I wanted to ask her thousands more questions, but held my tongue. There was sadness in her eyes, and I didn't want to prod. I assumed she missed them and I wondered if I would miss my family, my friends.

If Alice were here I could ask her to look ahead and tell me if could be around humans, but she wasn't. I was on my own for now…my former family happily living out their lives blissfully ignorant of my struggles and plans.

"Do all vampires drive fast?" I asked as we passed yet another car.

"Not all of us," she laughed again as she pressed on the accelerator.

# # # # #

Heidi led me down the small side streets of Voltera, leading the lamb to the slaughter. _Ugh, I'm being a little too macabre even for the situation I'm in._

I focused on the ancient buildings and the crumbling brick sidewalks. Many years, and many travelers had walked along these paths, although not many ever returned from the path I was purposefully choosing. I was still very worried and scared, but somehow I was peaceful, almost relieved, to be nearing the end of my journey. Heidi walked very fast and I had to jog a few times just to keep up with her and amazingly I didn't trip.

It was quiet and beautiful. I almost started laughing at myself; here I was, on my way to meet three very old and powerful vampires, and instead of running the opposite way, I was inspecting the scenery. At least I would have beautiful images to take with me to face my fate.

"Humans are so slow; no wonder you are such easy prey for us." She smirked at me as I shrugged my shoulders. Curiously my fear had mostly abated during our ten minute walk. I was scared, but not petrified; worried but not about what would happen to me. I knew, either way, I was going to die this day. The only question was whether or not I would be resurrected from that death.

Anyone wanna be my beta? Pretty puhleeeeeze?

Sorry for the long awaited update….I'd lost my motivation to finish this story, but now…I have it back! Yay!


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